Toxic Shame

Here's one of the poems I wrote for an exhibit at school during Domestic Abuse Awareness Week. It's about toxic shame.

Toxic shame is a specific kind of shame caused by abuse. It is "the feeling of being flawed and diministed and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you've done something wrong; but you can repair that - you can do something about it. With toxic shame there's something wrong with you and there's nothign you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone." ((Definition from the website with the poem linked below))

I would also highly recommend checking out this poem HERE about toxic shame. It is marvellously written.
Without further ado, my poem:

Toxic Shame

Caused by shortcomings
(Can’t you do anything right?)
Caused by impropriety
(You know you want it, slut.)

Leading to reproach
(You should know better.)
Leading to disgrace
(Not you. You’re pathetic.)

Begetting guilt
(I’m wrong. It’s my fault.)
Begetting humiliation
(I’m embarrassed and mortified.)

State misunderstood
Condition of self and society values violated
Purple-green straggle of emotions –
confusion, inadequacy, fear,
chagrin, inferiority

Toxic shame is a thief
of worth, self-respect,
honor, and confidence

Used as a weapon it intimidates,
it pollutes the self,
strips them of defense,
fills them with self-contempt,
condemns, subdues, diminishes,
restrains, controls

A geeky moment

You know you're an English geek/nerd when....
...I'm way too excited about next semester's classes, especially when they're likely to kick my butt.

I know I'll be uber busy next semester, but I'll be taking the coolest classes! I've been waiting for the History of the English Language to come back around for 4 years! And and and there's going to be a fiction workshop! I'm totally geeked about that. Finally I'll be able to really work on my forte - fiction. So long poetry! I won't miss you.

Also, I'll be taking the 20th C. Victorian British Literature class (intriguing) and possibly a Women's Studies course called Domesticity in U.S. Literature/Culture. I'll probably be taking the script writing course too, just to see what it's like. I'm not really interested in script writing (same as journalism), but I think I can learn from it and bring some of that extra knowledge into my fiction writing.

Alas, everything would be perfect if I could just add in that Latin class. Too bad it doesn't fit with the schedule.

Monologuing about the Romance Industry

You know that Katy Perry song that became so popular? I kissed a girl and I liked it, my boyfriend was not about it. I kissed a girl, just to try it.

Well, Starship Cobra did their own version: I kissed a boy, and they liked it. Got all the honeys in the club excited. I kissed a boy, just to start shit. That homeboy was not about it.

Not that these songs are subtle at all, but they are very obvious messages about our culture and the slowly growing acceptability of homosexuality or bisexuality. 

You may be asking yourself, ‘This is interesting, but what’s the point? How does this relate to this blog?’

Fear not, I do have a point.

The romance industry, which includes romantica fiction, obviously has little qualms about sexuality in the books, depending on the author and the publisher. Ellora’s Cave was one of the first Romantica/Erotic Romance e-publishers. As the first, they’ve stayed on top of their game with interest to what readers want in their market. The sub-genres on this website list include futuristic/sci-fi, marital heat, romantic suspense, western, older woman & younger men, BDSM, comedy, Christmas, Rubenesque, and Interracial to name a few. There are even books in Spanish!

What I’ve found increasingly interesting over the past few years has been the homosexual coupling novels. Not even simply the ménage a tois (or more), but strictly same-sex pairings. However, one sex has been receiving much more interest than others. That would be the male/male pairings. On the Ellora’s Cave website, there 12 ebooks about lesbian romantic relationships. However there are 284 books that include guys being romantically involved (and some of those include a women in the book as a third romantic partner involved).

So, there are two possible reasons why there is a demand for gay-relationship romance/erotic romance novels.

1.) There are a lot more gay or bisexual men (in or out of the closet) that read romance or romantica than previously thought. I mean, it makes sense. Both men and women crave meaningful, romantic relationships (+ copious hot sex doesn’t hurt either). So, maybe there’s been a rise in gay/bi guys reading romantic.

OR

2.) Women (because over 90% of romance book readers are female) must really like reading about 2 guys getting it on. Two men are better than one? It sounds strange and some women may object to that entirely, but think about it as the double standard. Most men like seeing two women reacting to each other in a sexual manner. Does it not make some sort of warped sense that women are just as susceptible to viewing two men reacting to each other in a sexual manner a turn on as well?

I thought it the amount was intriguing. ‘Just wanted to share it. I don’t really get it, but the demand speaks for itself.

.ascm

So in my last post, I wrote about the new ebook security measures through Adobe Digital Editions. The file extension for the key/password/ticket/whatever-you-want-to-call-it is .ascm. And like I said before, this is not the actual ebook file. It's not.

Funny how people don't understand that.

Out of curiosity to learn more about the program, I typed in .ascm in Google. Almost all the search engine results came up with people wanting to know how to convert .ascm to .txt or .pdf.
I found this hilarious as hell. XD

Honestly, I love loopholes. Some part of me even wants there to be a loophole to this program. But there's not. People are wasting their time trying to access some FILE.acsm that isn't even the real ebook.

Security of Literature in the Age of Internet

I've worried about the security of eBooks, not necessarily about copyright infringement issues, but in the accessibility of eBooks. It's has been as easy to download free (illegal copies of ) eBooks as it is to download free music!

Last Christmas one of my cousins gifted me with a CD full of music and lots of ebooks. I was exstatic to have so many free books (for I am a voracious reader--that is, when I have the free time to read). But soon after, when I went through the ebooks and found some by my favorite authors (of which I already had all in print) my happiness drained a bit. These authors are all well-known, best-sellers. And yet they are receiving no money for all the hard work they put into their writing because someone stole it and sold it... for free!

Pirated music is a big problem for the music industry and could quickly become as big of one one for the publishing industry and authors. Needless to say, since I'm an aspiring author, this is not very comforting. 

So how are people to protect their books in electronic format? Ebook police?

I've contemplated this issue at length for a while and came upon the solution by accident 2 weeks ago. A friend of mine told me that the Borders website was giving members 2 free downloads of romance novel ebooks. Awesomesauce. So, I go, I download my ebooks, and... where the heck is it? There's something new on my desktop called FILE.acsm that I cannot open with any program I already have like a pdf or word document. *flail* So I went back to the Borders website and read the fine print when I went to download it again. Apparently an .acsm is a file that does not contain the ebook but a type of key or password that allows me access to the ebook, which can only be read through a certain Adobe Acrobats program that Borders' has linked to download. It is called Adobe Digital Editions.

Amazing!
Ironically, I both like and dislike this new security measure. I like it because it's a good security precaution so files cannot be stolen (unless you are a very determined thief and decide to retype the entire ebook, because you cannot copy and paste in this format).

On the other hand, the innate moocher and poor college student that I am, I do enjoy free stuffs--music, books, food, etc... Thus, it's unfortunate that I cannot have multiple copies of ebooks (of which I download all legally!) to give to friends. However, I never really shared them in the first place... and the Adobe Digital Editions does allow the ebook to be shared on up to 6 computers/devices, including ebook readers.

Print vs. eBook

My personal dilemma for a couple years has been whether or not I'd like or want to buy an ebook reader. I've read reviews and watched youtube videos with commentary on which ones are best, but I still have reservations about buying one (besides the price).

Some of that dilemma is that I do enjoy having a book physically in my hands. I love flipping through a new book for that new-book smell or breathing in the scent of old-books when walking into used bookstores. It's great to be able to peruse bookshops, to pick up a book, leaf through it, see if it sounds interesting or if the writing style catches my attention, and then have the ability to purchase it or put it back.

That's part of the experience that cannot be replaced with ebooks. The best a person can get to looking into an ebook before purchasing it would be to read the summary or maybe a short excerpt. It's just not the same.

On the other hand, running out of space on my bookshelves is a reality, not a possibility. I spent much of this past summer building more bookcases and bookshelves. So having a small, light-weight machine that can fit tons of books would be nice.

A disadvantage to eBooks is that some people like to or need to write in books they read, underlining and/or circling passages and writing in the margins, which they cannot do in electronic format readers. In the future this will likely be added to the abilities of ebook readers, but for now, all one can do is highlight some pages.

I've read articles about a few universities that have tested the use of ebook readers for students. It didn't work out for several reasons. One was because there were complaints from students about not being able to mark-up the text. Another was that they were unable to quickly skim through the books to search for certain parts, which was especially troublesome when writing papers or taking tests where there are time limits. There was also some dissent about this because people who are blind or have severe visual handicaps cannot use ebooks. ='(

Then again, I suppose it would been more economical and Earth-friendly to read ebooks. It would reduce the impact of global warming (saving trees & forests = less carbon in the atmosphere). Of course, I have no idea what all goes into making the eBook readers, all that metal and computer chips and whatnot. Machines, especially computers, are widely used but infrequently mentioned when it comes to the negative impact on the Earth's resources that it takes to make them. Why is that? Because we love computers, have become dependent on them, and do not want excuses about how the manufacture of them might be adding to the world destruction. (lol. A bit dramatic, no?)

And because eBooks use less of our planet's resources to make them, they are sometimes less expensive than print versions of the same book. Or at least, they could be if publishers wanted to sell them for cheaper. I suppose the eBook market would skyrocket if prices went down, but that would be highly detrimental to publisher's print book sales. And people are too stingy for that in this economy, be that good or bad.

However I still would like to go into the publishing business, since I won't likely be able to become a published writer very quickly after college. Hence, I would be investing my job/career/income in the print book market. If I bought eBooks readers and endorsed them, that would be damaging to the industry I'm hoping to suceed in.

My grandpa once said that books are the only form of entertainment that are small enough to fit in your pocket that need no batteries to operate. I suppose some smartass could argue for a deck of cards, but you get the point. Even though ebook readers' batteries have a long life, they still need to be recharged every few days (or more often for the voracious reader). And many paperback books can still fit in a person's pocket, although I'm way too anal about keeping my books in pristine condition to do something like shoving them in my pocket. ^^;

The other issue is that I own a few dozen ebooks already. I read them on my laptop and have no problem staring at the screen for hours (I do so anyway nearly every day at work or at home doing homework). So, why would I want to buy an eBook reader?

Because it'd be more light-weight than my laptop.
But it's an extra expense I don't need.
I know. Which is partly why I haven't bought one.
The prices for ebook readers are decreasing every year.
Exactly.
What then?
The dilemma continues!

More about ebooks

I was just surfing the net and I found this really interesting article/webpage written by Stephen Cole, who is the founder and CEO of Ebooks Corporations, an Australian public company that operates two of the world's leading ebook businesses, eBooks.com and EBL: The Ebook Library.

Link!      I found this website because of the graph that shows statistically the use of eBooks worldwide, which is overwhelmingly in the U.S.

I've been working on another long-winded post for the past couple of days which I plan to put up tomorrow. =)

Musings

I was just contemplating the eBook & eBook readers. This new wave of technology makes reading books even more accessible. I wonder how this does/will affect the literacy rate in this country? Worldwide?

The last time there was a boom in the literacy rate was back in the day of dime novels because they were cheap, readily accessible, and the main form of entertainment at the time.

In comparison with that, I don't know how much of an influence these eBooks & eBook readers will have while there are video games, music to listen to, and the Internet to distract and abet procrastination.

Things you learn while procrastinating

While procrastinating this weekend, my roommate and I were sharing different folktales and myths. Both of us are huge geeks when it comes to mythology. I know a lot about Greek/Roman, Egyptian & Norse mythologies. Emily knows a lot about Greek/Roman, Celtic & Asian mythologies. This leads to many an awesome conversation. =)

So I just wanted to share one thing she told me that I hadn't known. Banshees (those mythic ghost-like women that scream so loud and high it hurts people's ears) actually have a reason for all their screaming. They have horrible visions and premonitions about people dying, often in very gruesome ways. The visions are so horrible that they scream. Besides the horrid screaming and screetching, people shunned banshees because they were haribringers of death and destruction.

You may not be as much of a geek as me, but I thought it was pretty cool. Yay for friends with random myth/legend/folklore information!

Can I get a W00T woot?

It's Columbus Day - the day to celebrate how Cristbol Colón came to the Americas with a band of pirates and decided to take over the land and indigenous peoples, bearing gifts of disease, slavery and religious persecution.

Ugh. Why do we still celebrate this day? By now, everyone should know that Columbus was NOT the first European to discover America. The Vikings were. Duh.

Lief Ericson never gets enough credit. Supposedly Oct. 9th was Lief Ericson day, but nobody knew about it. --_--

It may seem strange to some people because I am an English major and writing minor, but I don't like poetry. I don't. Although it can be beautiful sometimes, it's more often a pain in the ass, both to write and read.

I had to write a lot of poetry for my Creative Writing II class and Art & Poetry Collaboration class I took last year. Talk about a headache. Even after scribbling poem after poem, I don't feel like I've been able to improve much. Nor has my understanding of poetry grown. I mostly get lots at the leaping logic part, which I think is highly mislabeled. I am a very reasonable and logical person, but there is no logic in this leaping business my professors spoke of. It's nonsense.

At the same time, my inablitity to understand poetry half stems from the fact that I don't read poetry. How can anyone write well if they do not constantly look at good examples. I'm sure there are poets out there whose poetry I would like, but I'm not interested in it enough to get up and search out these illusive poets.

I don't read poetry because I have a hard time understanding it. I'm a blunt and often oblivious person who needs things spelled out for me. Hence, I'm not interested in reading a poem over and over again, trying to analyze and figure out what the hell the poet is trying to say. Sure it sounds pretty, but what does it mean?! It's so frustrating.

Thus I am stuck in a cycle. So why do I keep trying to write poetry every once in a while, for example, the Shattering the Silence Exhibit? Why do I torture myself?

Not another one....

Yup, it's one of those posts, where I give a short, random ramble because I forgot that I needed to post at the last moment. XD  Well, besides that, I've been doing a lot of writing, still trying to put out something decent for the "Shattering the Silence" exhibit about domestic abuse. So far, I brainstormed another 2 writing ideas and 3 photography projects. I started on one today, taking pictures around campus, but that's it so far. Anyway, not much else to report other than I'm currently reading Lady Oracle by Margaret Atwood, which I like more than any of her other books I've read so far. And I should be studying for a literature exam I have to take tomorrow... but.... I've been horribly distracted and procrasting waaaay too much lately.

P.S.  Bad spelling and grammar makes me go on the rampage. RAWR!

Battle of the Bookstores

I love Borders.
Absolutely. They have a huge, diverse selection of books, comfy chairs to read and relax in, a fun section for kids to play and read, a cafe with food, drinks, and sometimes there's live music. And while you're relaxing with a hot beverage and waiting for others in your shopping party to decide what to buy, you can open your laptop and surf the web with Borders's free wi-fi connection. Borders stores also support local organizations with small fundraising events in stores. Plus my favorite authors often tour to the Chicagoland Borders, which makes me endlessly happy.

One of my favorite places in the world was a certain 4-story Borders in downtown Chicago. The basement level contained the children's section, Romance section, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror and Manga all in one level. It was heavenly. Sadly, that Chicago borders closed. *tear* BUT there are still 4 other Borders downtown, so I don't feel so bad. =D

Back in the day, I even followed Borders Inc. on the stock market for my economics class assignment. I learned quite a bit, including that the Borders Books Music & Cafe is reducing the Music-selling section because not many people go there to buy music anymore. It also doesn't help that the majority of people buy music online or simply pirate it instead of going out and purchasing CDs. On the other hand, I've noticed an increase in the number of books and the movies/tv show section has been growing over the past few years.

When I came back to Grand Rapids last year for college in the fall, I was super dissappointed to find out that the Walden Books (owned by Borders) at Woodland Mall closed and was replaced by a super big Barnes & Nobles. There went all my 40% off coupons. I was impressed by the amount of books in the new Barnes & Nobles, but not by the customer service. I've not had a problem at other B&Ns, but the people who work at that one are very rude.

I asked for help finding a display that was moved and the lady looked me in the face, said "I don't know where it was moved" stared at me a moment longer, turned around and left. No "I'll find out" or "you can ask so-and-so over there. He/she will be able to find out". Nope! Just the cold shoulder.
Another time I went back, my friends and I had recently seen Avatar in theaters (for the 3rd time) and walked into the Barned & Nobles to find a few displays with Avatar information books & figurines. Of course, we scuttled over there pretty fast and began going through it excitedly. Then this guy (an B&N employee) told us not to touch the display and mess it up. What the hell? We're obviously all over 21 and he treats us like a bunch of rabid 5-yr-olds! On top of that, it's illogical to tell us not to look at the books...at a bookstore... where the purpose is for people to browse books, chose one or more, and buy them. So stupid! That was the last time I went to a B&N.

Another complaint for B&Ns are the selection of books. The stores are much too picky about what types of books they have. For instance, my roommate wanted to buy and read a good romance novel because she had never specifically read one. She wanted it for entertainment purposes and as research for incorporating romantic relationships in a fiction story she'd been workin on. We get to the Romance aisle and what do I find? Tons of historicals! I do enjoy historical romance stories every once in a great while but really, they're not in vogue. As I've pointed out before, the paranormal/supernatural subgenres are highly popular, especially in romance.

My friend also likes paranormal-action novels so I thought I'd get her a romance novel that is in the paranormal-action subgeneres. You guessed it, I couldn't find much. There were too many historical and not enough paranormals (which is most of the romance market right now!). I eneded up getting her a romantica book, which had too much sex in it for her, which is fine. Not everyone likes to read 15 page long sex scense. My point is though, there wasn't much to chose from. B&N are prudes. They don't want certain romance books dirtying their store shelves. Ugh. So annoying. Borders has such better selections.

There is one thing I like about B&Ns and that is the stationary, journals, notebooks, umbrellas and such. They're pretty spiffy. Too bad for them I won't buy them because they're so damned expensive! Sometimes good deal are found at Barnes & Nobles. But there are always great prices at Borders.
Barnes & Nobles: pay for membership w/ sparse & crappy coupons.
Borders: free memebership w/ awesome coupons that are e-mailed out weekly.

I suppose that's enough to adequately explain my dislike for Barnes & Nobles. They just aren't as good, even if they might be a more profitable company. When I was much younger, my friend Sarah and I joked that we'd go into business and open a store that's half a bookstore and the other half an anime/manga store. I still think that's a cool idea, though I do not intend to follow through with it.

Distance and Perspective

I took a creative non-fiction workshop course last school year, which was a lot of fun. I liked the constructive criticism from my professor and peers which enabled me to further enhance my writing abilities. However, I soon discovered that creative non-fiction isn't for me. It's too personal.

I'm not a closed-off person, but I also am not comfortable being completely open. I don't think anyone is. Yet for whatever reason,when I went to write in that class, a lot of uncomfortable thought and memories surfaced that made it into my writing. It left me feeling exposed and exasperated because the issues I brought up don't have a neat and clear ending, like fiction. In real life, they just fade out, with or without closure and an exciting climax. I was exasperated not by the issues, but by my writing them. I thought (and still do) believe I am over those parts of my life. For the most part, they barely effect me. Yet when I brought them to be critiqued, my peers of course were curious to know the endings to these stories, to which I answered, there wasn't any clear ending. How bothersome.

Not that I blame them in the least, but this is one of the reasons I love fiction. I am able to pull myself away from the topic and be objective. For example, I'm still working on a few different pieces to turn in for the "Shattering the Silence" exhibit at school for Domestic Abuse Awareness Week. The subject of domestic abuse, violent or non-violent, is not easy for people to write about. Fortunately, I've experienced a minimum amount of abuse in my life. Perhaps this is why I find it easier to write about serious issues like emotional or verbal abuse, sexual abuse, etc. I realized that I have written a story and poem of that nature in the past.

I had not consciously decided for my writing to champion the cause of domestic abuse/violence awareness, however it seems to be happening on it's own in my writing anyway. I find this interesting and slightly disturbing. Still, someone's gotta do it. I suppose if I can, if I have words and the means to inform and explain this very grave problem to people, all the better.

Exercise: Dazzling Diphthongs

Recently, a friend set her facebook status to say "dazzle me with your diphthongs". I took that as a challenge and wrote a short story full of as many diphthongs as I could think of. It's a silly but fun writing exercise.

Outside the circus trailer:

The clown was cold to the touch. Crowds gathered around while lawmen ushered them back. From the masses, a detective with the face of a hound joined me. Eyes like a hawk, he stepped over the chalk drawing and prodded the body with the point of a pen.

I suggested he might’ve been  poisoned. The detective suspected the widow of wrongdoing and shouted for her to be questioned. She admitted to being disloyal but claimed no fault in clown’s downfall. The conclusion of death was asphyxiation because he choked on a crackerjack toy.

working on something new

For the past several weeks I've been working on the committee that's putting together AQ's Domestic Abuse Awareness Week. One of the new events we will have is an exhibit of artwork, poetry, and short stories about people's reactions to any form of domestic abuse. Although I had a large assignment due this morning, my mind was buzzing on this event, and I was inevitably sidetracked.

So today I started working on a short story that might be displayed in the exhibit. It's about the harmful cycle of verbal and emotional abuse, especially to children. In a way, I'll be re-writing the tale of Cinderella without the happily-ever-after. The hardest part of writing this is not the subject but how to go about making an strong but subtle impact throughout the story. That is, how to write about verbal and emotional abuse without specifically using crude and crass language dialogue. It's every writer's great challenge: show, don't tell. I'm generally not too bad at that, but subtly is not my strong point. I'm very much a blunt person and my writing generally reflects that. In this way, I think this short story is a good writing exercise for me. =)