Toxic Shame

Here's one of the poems I wrote for an exhibit at school during Domestic Abuse Awareness Week. It's about toxic shame.

Toxic shame is a specific kind of shame caused by abuse. It is "the feeling of being flawed and diministed and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you've done something wrong; but you can repair that - you can do something about it. With toxic shame there's something wrong with you and there's nothign you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone." ((Definition from the website with the poem linked below))

I would also highly recommend checking out this poem HERE about toxic shame. It is marvellously written.
Without further ado, my poem:

Toxic Shame

Caused by shortcomings
(Can’t you do anything right?)
Caused by impropriety
(You know you want it, slut.)

Leading to reproach
(You should know better.)
Leading to disgrace
(Not you. You’re pathetic.)

Begetting guilt
(I’m wrong. It’s my fault.)
Begetting humiliation
(I’m embarrassed and mortified.)

State misunderstood
Condition of self and society values violated
Purple-green straggle of emotions –
confusion, inadequacy, fear,
chagrin, inferiority

Toxic shame is a thief
of worth, self-respect,
honor, and confidence

Used as a weapon it intimidates,
it pollutes the self,
strips them of defense,
fills them with self-contempt,
condemns, subdues, diminishes,
restrains, controls

A geeky moment

You know you're an English geek/nerd when....
...I'm way too excited about next semester's classes, especially when they're likely to kick my butt.

I know I'll be uber busy next semester, but I'll be taking the coolest classes! I've been waiting for the History of the English Language to come back around for 4 years! And and and there's going to be a fiction workshop! I'm totally geeked about that. Finally I'll be able to really work on my forte - fiction. So long poetry! I won't miss you.

Also, I'll be taking the 20th C. Victorian British Literature class (intriguing) and possibly a Women's Studies course called Domesticity in U.S. Literature/Culture. I'll probably be taking the script writing course too, just to see what it's like. I'm not really interested in script writing (same as journalism), but I think I can learn from it and bring some of that extra knowledge into my fiction writing.

Alas, everything would be perfect if I could just add in that Latin class. Too bad it doesn't fit with the schedule.

Monologuing about the Romance Industry

You know that Katy Perry song that became so popular? I kissed a girl and I liked it, my boyfriend was not about it. I kissed a girl, just to try it.

Well, Starship Cobra did their own version: I kissed a boy, and they liked it. Got all the honeys in the club excited. I kissed a boy, just to start shit. That homeboy was not about it.

Not that these songs are subtle at all, but they are very obvious messages about our culture and the slowly growing acceptability of homosexuality or bisexuality. 

You may be asking yourself, ‘This is interesting, but what’s the point? How does this relate to this blog?’

Fear not, I do have a point.

The romance industry, which includes romantica fiction, obviously has little qualms about sexuality in the books, depending on the author and the publisher. Ellora’s Cave was one of the first Romantica/Erotic Romance e-publishers. As the first, they’ve stayed on top of their game with interest to what readers want in their market. The sub-genres on this website list include futuristic/sci-fi, marital heat, romantic suspense, western, older woman & younger men, BDSM, comedy, Christmas, Rubenesque, and Interracial to name a few. There are even books in Spanish!

What I’ve found increasingly interesting over the past few years has been the homosexual coupling novels. Not even simply the ménage a tois (or more), but strictly same-sex pairings. However, one sex has been receiving much more interest than others. That would be the male/male pairings. On the Ellora’s Cave website, there 12 ebooks about lesbian romantic relationships. However there are 284 books that include guys being romantically involved (and some of those include a women in the book as a third romantic partner involved).

So, there are two possible reasons why there is a demand for gay-relationship romance/erotic romance novels.

1.) There are a lot more gay or bisexual men (in or out of the closet) that read romance or romantica than previously thought. I mean, it makes sense. Both men and women crave meaningful, romantic relationships (+ copious hot sex doesn’t hurt either). So, maybe there’s been a rise in gay/bi guys reading romantic.

OR

2.) Women (because over 90% of romance book readers are female) must really like reading about 2 guys getting it on. Two men are better than one? It sounds strange and some women may object to that entirely, but think about it as the double standard. Most men like seeing two women reacting to each other in a sexual manner. Does it not make some sort of warped sense that women are just as susceptible to viewing two men reacting to each other in a sexual manner a turn on as well?

I thought it the amount was intriguing. ‘Just wanted to share it. I don’t really get it, but the demand speaks for itself.

.ascm

So in my last post, I wrote about the new ebook security measures through Adobe Digital Editions. The file extension for the key/password/ticket/whatever-you-want-to-call-it is .ascm. And like I said before, this is not the actual ebook file. It's not.

Funny how people don't understand that.

Out of curiosity to learn more about the program, I typed in .ascm in Google. Almost all the search engine results came up with people wanting to know how to convert .ascm to .txt or .pdf.
I found this hilarious as hell. XD

Honestly, I love loopholes. Some part of me even wants there to be a loophole to this program. But there's not. People are wasting their time trying to access some FILE.acsm that isn't even the real ebook.

Security of Literature in the Age of Internet

I've worried about the security of eBooks, not necessarily about copyright infringement issues, but in the accessibility of eBooks. It's has been as easy to download free (illegal copies of ) eBooks as it is to download free music!

Last Christmas one of my cousins gifted me with a CD full of music and lots of ebooks. I was exstatic to have so many free books (for I am a voracious reader--that is, when I have the free time to read). But soon after, when I went through the ebooks and found some by my favorite authors (of which I already had all in print) my happiness drained a bit. These authors are all well-known, best-sellers. And yet they are receiving no money for all the hard work they put into their writing because someone stole it and sold it... for free!

Pirated music is a big problem for the music industry and could quickly become as big of one one for the publishing industry and authors. Needless to say, since I'm an aspiring author, this is not very comforting. 

So how are people to protect their books in electronic format? Ebook police?

I've contemplated this issue at length for a while and came upon the solution by accident 2 weeks ago. A friend of mine told me that the Borders website was giving members 2 free downloads of romance novel ebooks. Awesomesauce. So, I go, I download my ebooks, and... where the heck is it? There's something new on my desktop called FILE.acsm that I cannot open with any program I already have like a pdf or word document. *flail* So I went back to the Borders website and read the fine print when I went to download it again. Apparently an .acsm is a file that does not contain the ebook but a type of key or password that allows me access to the ebook, which can only be read through a certain Adobe Acrobats program that Borders' has linked to download. It is called Adobe Digital Editions.

Amazing!
Ironically, I both like and dislike this new security measure. I like it because it's a good security precaution so files cannot be stolen (unless you are a very determined thief and decide to retype the entire ebook, because you cannot copy and paste in this format).

On the other hand, the innate moocher and poor college student that I am, I do enjoy free stuffs--music, books, food, etc... Thus, it's unfortunate that I cannot have multiple copies of ebooks (of which I download all legally!) to give to friends. However, I never really shared them in the first place... and the Adobe Digital Editions does allow the ebook to be shared on up to 6 computers/devices, including ebook readers.

Print vs. eBook

My personal dilemma for a couple years has been whether or not I'd like or want to buy an ebook reader. I've read reviews and watched youtube videos with commentary on which ones are best, but I still have reservations about buying one (besides the price).

Some of that dilemma is that I do enjoy having a book physically in my hands. I love flipping through a new book for that new-book smell or breathing in the scent of old-books when walking into used bookstores. It's great to be able to peruse bookshops, to pick up a book, leaf through it, see if it sounds interesting or if the writing style catches my attention, and then have the ability to purchase it or put it back.

That's part of the experience that cannot be replaced with ebooks. The best a person can get to looking into an ebook before purchasing it would be to read the summary or maybe a short excerpt. It's just not the same.

On the other hand, running out of space on my bookshelves is a reality, not a possibility. I spent much of this past summer building more bookcases and bookshelves. So having a small, light-weight machine that can fit tons of books would be nice.

A disadvantage to eBooks is that some people like to or need to write in books they read, underlining and/or circling passages and writing in the margins, which they cannot do in electronic format readers. In the future this will likely be added to the abilities of ebook readers, but for now, all one can do is highlight some pages.

I've read articles about a few universities that have tested the use of ebook readers for students. It didn't work out for several reasons. One was because there were complaints from students about not being able to mark-up the text. Another was that they were unable to quickly skim through the books to search for certain parts, which was especially troublesome when writing papers or taking tests where there are time limits. There was also some dissent about this because people who are blind or have severe visual handicaps cannot use ebooks. ='(

Then again, I suppose it would been more economical and Earth-friendly to read ebooks. It would reduce the impact of global warming (saving trees & forests = less carbon in the atmosphere). Of course, I have no idea what all goes into making the eBook readers, all that metal and computer chips and whatnot. Machines, especially computers, are widely used but infrequently mentioned when it comes to the negative impact on the Earth's resources that it takes to make them. Why is that? Because we love computers, have become dependent on them, and do not want excuses about how the manufacture of them might be adding to the world destruction. (lol. A bit dramatic, no?)

And because eBooks use less of our planet's resources to make them, they are sometimes less expensive than print versions of the same book. Or at least, they could be if publishers wanted to sell them for cheaper. I suppose the eBook market would skyrocket if prices went down, but that would be highly detrimental to publisher's print book sales. And people are too stingy for that in this economy, be that good or bad.

However I still would like to go into the publishing business, since I won't likely be able to become a published writer very quickly after college. Hence, I would be investing my job/career/income in the print book market. If I bought eBooks readers and endorsed them, that would be damaging to the industry I'm hoping to suceed in.

My grandpa once said that books are the only form of entertainment that are small enough to fit in your pocket that need no batteries to operate. I suppose some smartass could argue for a deck of cards, but you get the point. Even though ebook readers' batteries have a long life, they still need to be recharged every few days (or more often for the voracious reader). And many paperback books can still fit in a person's pocket, although I'm way too anal about keeping my books in pristine condition to do something like shoving them in my pocket. ^^;

The other issue is that I own a few dozen ebooks already. I read them on my laptop and have no problem staring at the screen for hours (I do so anyway nearly every day at work or at home doing homework). So, why would I want to buy an eBook reader?

Because it'd be more light-weight than my laptop.
But it's an extra expense I don't need.
I know. Which is partly why I haven't bought one.
The prices for ebook readers are decreasing every year.
Exactly.
What then?
The dilemma continues!

More about ebooks

I was just surfing the net and I found this really interesting article/webpage written by Stephen Cole, who is the founder and CEO of Ebooks Corporations, an Australian public company that operates two of the world's leading ebook businesses, eBooks.com and EBL: The Ebook Library.

Link!      I found this website because of the graph that shows statistically the use of eBooks worldwide, which is overwhelmingly in the U.S.

I've been working on another long-winded post for the past couple of days which I plan to put up tomorrow. =)